Embracing Grief
The past year grief, sadness, trauma and loss have all been big topics on my mind and feeling all the feelings, both my own and those around me in family, friends and clients. Everyone has their own story of some deeply sad things which this past year has inflicted on them.
I have found myself returning to grief this past month. Grief at the ongoing losses of life, grief for the lack of freedom, grief for plans not made or able to be followed through on and a deep sense of loss and sadness. There was an article circulating at the beginning of the pandemic which I found helpful then and was reassuring to re-read:
That discomfort you are feeling is grief. Kessler put a label on that sense of sadness many are feeling. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to just be with the sadness and not pretend it is all OK when it is not.
People who get stuck in grief, Kessler reports, were those who were unable to find meaning. Meaning is the sixth stage of grief. Meaning is what you find, and what you make, after the event. Meaning can heal painful memories and help us keep moving forward.
Kessler also talks about how many of us are experiencing anticipatory grief, that feeling of anxiety which sits under not quite knowing what other losses are we might experience. With this extended unknown grief lingers.
Kessler talks about three key things to help us when we find ourselves in this anticipatory grief where our minds keep going into the future and imagining and trying to plan for the worst:
1. Come into the present as much as you can
Anticipatory grief is the place of overthinking all the possible future down sides, much of which you can’t control. When we come back to what is happening, what is now, what am I feeling now we can recentre.
2. Let go of what you can’t control.
I can’t control when Singapore will open up its borders, or quite what the rest of the year will look like but I can control how I respond to it all. I can do Tiny Habits to make things feel better. We can let go of what’s not in our control or take back control of the things we can influence.
3. Stock up on compassion
…for yourself and for those around you. Are you noticing people around you not being their best selves, are you struggling be curious and have compassion first v. step into judgements for others? Are you being really hard on yourself and expecting yourself to be ‘normal’. None of this is normal - we are still in the middle of a life changing pandemic that has rocked everyones world. Remember this on your tough days and give yourself a huge huge hug.
My partner and I have been talking about this quote quite a lot recently. In our own different ways we both want control of situations that neither of us have any control over.
So sometimes the best thing any of us can do is to handle the things we can handle and just surrender the rest to the universe, flow with the unknown and put our faith in some higher bigger plan and hope the meaning of it all will become clear over time.
