Is it lonely as a leader?
I spent much of my Christmas break alone. This was my first Christmas AND New Year that I haven’t been with my children. They were fine, they had a great time with their Dad but in that very rare space of time to myself, I realised that I was feeling quite lonely.
It’s strange to admit the loneliness, as I was on holiday with my partner and I was surrounded by people. In fact I’m pretty much always with people as I spend most of my days with people, either facilitating workshops, coaching, designing but always with other humans.
As I dug deeper, I realised it was a sense of being professionally lonely and an acknowledgement of how much has changed for me in the past two years of setting up The Purpose Collective.
In founding a new business, I’d stepped into a new type of leadership and that I was a founder of a start up business and in the process of that my work social circle and work besties circle had also shrunk.
I’m still wondering why it took this pause, nearly two years in to this new journey, to realise how much has changed for me but in the process of exploring my own relationship to this new identity, it has connected me to a new place of compassion and understanding for the leaders I coach.
Often clients come to find me at times of change and transition
Either they want a personal space via coaching to explore their own life and leadership or they want to bring their teams together to build this stronger sense of connection and trust.
One of the things I often hear them say is what a relief it is to feel not alone anymore and that they finally feel seen and heard by each other in a group setting or by me if it’s one to one coaching
I think the loneliest feeling you can feel is to be part of something but not feel heartfelt connected to the other humans around you.
Not feeling like you have anyone you can trust to turn to to share how you really feel can build a deep sense of loneliness and shame.
All the research suggests that the more senior you become in any organisation or the more creative and innovative the journey you are on, the lonelier you feel
Sometimes in senior leadership teams, particularly during and post-covid, it’s all become so transactional.
We are all still re-learning how to connect in real life outside of Teams, Zoom and actually be with people we work with again.
For some it’s easy to reconnect but for others the last 3 years has changed something inside us and our ability to connect and interact at work and sharing our true thoughts and feelings seem harder.
It’s even harder for leaders to be truly vulnerable and work out how to get that balance of authenticity and credibility quite right.
No matter what level we are in an organisation, the thing that unites us is we are all humans with hopes and fears.
Leaders are humans too! (T-shirt coming soon!)
All humans, no matter where we are on the introversion, extroversion scale or what cultural backgrounds we are from crave safety, love, connection and to be part of something bigger than ourselves.
What better place to get these needs fulfilled and build connection than at work?
Work relationships and work connections play such an intrinsic part of our overall wellbeing and psychological health.
When it’s going well, we feel well, when it is not the reverse is true.
I don’t know about you but many of my life long friends are people I’ve met at work.
Yet, there also comes a point in your career where people stop inviting you for coffees and asking how you how you are - because you are now ‘the leader’ and are elevated to this slightly parental role.
Now you are the one who is expected to take care of others and lead the way - you are the most grown up person in the room. But who is looking after you?
Emerging research has found chronic loneliness can have debilitating impacts on physical as well as mental health, and that workplaces have a strong role to play in increasing employee connectedness and the richness of social interactions.
In fact loneliness kills.
We are lonely at the top and we are lonely in society too
Loneliness is closely related to feelings of isolation, so sometimes we might consider it to be an individual phenomenon.
However, research shows that loneliness sets in motion a painful cycle not only for leaders or individuals but that loneliness effects an entire organization.
Lonely employees feel and act less approachable, undermine trust, group cohesion, and collaboration with others.
Those ripple effects make loneliness an organisational problem, and addressing it an organisational responsibility.
I’ve pulled together lots of other resources and statistics over here about personal and organisational loneliness.
Connection is the best antidote to loneliness
So if as a leader you are feeling lonely, the one thing you can know for sure is you are probably not alone in your sense of feeling lonely.
But, not just any connection, it’s about creating MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS!
Connecting heart to heart in a meaningful way to each other and to things that bring purpose, meaning, direction and service are key antidotes to disconnection.
In his book Lost Connections, Dr. Johann Hari identifies 7 key things that rebuild lost connections.
One of the things I’m noticing as we attempt to rebuild the new places of work post-COVID is that we also need to make returning to the office meaningful and connecting to employees.
Among the many reasons why people are not coming back to the office is the views they have about what the benefits are of coming back into physical building if there is no sense of meaningful connection. Leaders want people back in the office, but many workers want to stay at home.
We need to find ways to help each other fill back up the love tanks in all of us and reconnect to ourselves and each other after these past years of disconnection and numbing.
Maybe if we were fortunate, we’ve reconnected more closely to our families during the COVID years. In the process we’ve perhaps disconnected from our colleagues.
Given the number of hours we spend at work we all know the quality of the relationships we feel at work is directly correlated to the quality of our lives and wellbeing
So leaders, maybe if you can talk to your peers and team about your own experiences, perhaps this creates the invitation for employees to both support you and share their own experiences?
I share some top tips and resources for leaders here
We’ve also pulled together a purpose and wellbeing assessment which might help you reflect on what can bring more meaning and connection into your life, work and leadership!
As always please do get in touch if I can support you in anyway. You can book a call with me here
Best wishes
